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更新时间：2024-06-05 20:06
详细剧情
本片是一部政治讽刺喜剧片，班底大多来自受到好评的英国电视剧《The Thick of It》。 美国总统和英国首相忽然希望发动一场战争。这次会速战速决的，他们保证！ 美国将军米勒（詹姆斯·甘多菲尼）不这样认为，英国国务大臣西蒙福斯特（汤姆·霍兰德）和他看法一样。 然而，西蒙在意外地通过黄金时段的电视节目表达对军事行动的支持后，他忽然发现自己在华盛顿有了很多朋友。 如果西蒙能够接触到华盛顿的特定人物，如果手下（克里斯·阿迪森）能够顺利把实习生（安娜·克鲁姆斯基）哄上床，如果他们能够阻住首相的首席战略师马尔科姆·滕克（彼得·卡帕尔蒂 ）操纵联合国投票的把戏，他们就能阻止这场战争。 如果他们不能……大不了还可以解雇他们的顾问朱迪（吉娜·麦凯）。他们从来就不喜欢的朱迪，正在国内对付管道阻塞的选民们和因为塌墙而跳脚的暴躁男（史蒂夫·库根）的朱迪。
长篇影评
1 ) 《灵通人士》剧情梳理（严重剧透）
很早的时候在论坛中的发言，整理到影评中。
《灵通人士》是描写英国政治的喜剧，台词比较隐晦，不容易看懂，多看了几遍关节处，梳理如下。
西蒙福斯特是英国内阁大臣，具体职务是国际发展部部长。英美两国策划一次对中东某国的战争（虚构的，不是伊拉克战争，但是实际映射的是伊拉克战争），要求政府官员要对此保持沉默，不谈论此事。西蒙本身是反战人士，心地善良，缺点是好表现，比较优柔犹豫。在一次bbc 的访谈中收到主持人诱导，表达了自己对战争的看法，认为战争“不可预测”。意思就是说，战争不一定要打，这与首相的观点相左，成为“反战派”。因此受到公关部主管马克西姆的严厉训斥，并且要求其保持沉默，不许对战争表达什么观点。美国助理国务卿克拉克是反战的温和派，试图阻止战争，听到西蒙的观点后，认为可为为其所用，就在到英国召开的一个会议上邀请西蒙，希望他再说一遍战争“不可预测”。但是西蒙这次有命令在身，不敢乱说，又不想不说，就磕磕巴巴的说了些即是不变的，又是可变的胡言乱语。会后，西蒙对自己的表现很失望，在记者的追问下，临场发挥，试图通过含蓄的比喻，表达自己的观点，以弥补会上的失态，不想比喻失当，他说：“在通往和平之路上，要翻越冲突的山峰。”意思被理解成要通过武力实现和平，这样就又变成了“主战派”。数日两变。
事后西蒙到美国出差，温和派克拉克和好战派助理国务卿林顿双方都想利用西蒙。邀请他参加战争委员会的讨论，西蒙承受来自公关部主管的压力，再次表现失当，说了些很难，非常难、超级难的胡话，灰溜溜的回到了英国。
回到英国之后，因为选区的选民的一堵墙问题，收到嘲讽上了报纸。英国首相对西蒙的貌似好战的表态比较满意，又带着西蒙和马克西姆到联合国，参加对中东国家战争进行表决。西蒙不愿意成为发动战争的帮凶，意图在表决前辞职，以表示反战的决心，不想泄露到了媒体。此事为反战派知道，希望拉拢他，壮大反战派的势力，以达到阻止战争的目的。但是西蒙明显的贪恋权位，又不想辞职了。始终在摇摆犹豫中，为双方拉来拉去。
英美两国都没有证据证明必须发动战争，互相指望对方，在表决的前夕，还没有像样的情报。英国首相派来联合国的时候对美国好战助理国务卿林顿表达过，马克西姆可以提供“英国智慧”的情报，马克西姆明显没有理解上去，说“没有什么情报”（nothing）。林顿大怒，指责马克西姆无能。这时西蒙同时出现在马克西姆面前，说要辞职反战。恰巧这时西蒙选区的墙倒塌了，bbc准备报道。马克西姆狗急跳墙，冒充西蒙给bbc打电话，说不要发表“对于自己不利的新闻”。结果bbc如他所愿，立即发表了对西蒙不利的新闻，造成西门失职，首相解出西蒙职务的口实。同时自己领会了首相的意思，命令国内的新闻官，借追究文件泄密的责任的机会，让外交部的官员改造一份美国助理国务卿助手撰写的报告《pwlpp》（该报告本来是反战的，写作方式是先说发动战争的证据，再说不发动战争的证据，后者据多，结果后半部分被删去了，只有发动战争的证据。），提供给美国国务卿林顿，林顿如获至宝，以这个假情报，参加了联合国的辩论，并且通过了对中东国家发动战争的联合国决议。战争在谎言、脏话、以及西蒙的优柔中开始了！
上面是这个电影故事的主线，还有很多辅线，太繁琐，不一一说了，大家可以洗洗体会。全片都是讽刺英美两国官员的官僚作风，官员的相互内斗、陷害、利用，以及高层的无知，妄为。国家为管理者所挟持，为少部分人利用.
《灵通人士》是描写英国政治的喜剧，台词比较隐晦，不容易看懂，多看了几遍关节处，梳理如下。
西蒙福斯特是英国内阁大臣，具体职务是国际发展部部长。英美两国策划一次对中东某国的战争（虚构的，不是伊拉克战争，但是实际映射的是伊拉克战争），要求政府官员要对此保持沉默，不谈论此事。西蒙本身是反战人士，心地善良，缺点是好表现，比较优柔犹豫。在一次bbc 的访谈中收到主持人诱导，表达了自己对战争的看法，认为战争“不可预测”。意思就是说，战争不一定要打，这与首相的观点相左，成为“反战派”。因此受到公关部主管马克西姆的严厉训斥，并且要求其保持沉默，不许对战争表达什么观点。美国助理国务卿克拉克是反战的温和派，试图阻止战争，听到西蒙的观点后，认为可为为其所用，就在到英国召开的一个会议上邀请西蒙，希望他再说一遍战争“不可预测”。但是西蒙这次有命令在身，不敢乱说，又不想不说，就磕磕巴巴的说了些即是不变的，又是可变的胡言乱语。会后，西蒙对自己的表现很失望，在记者的追问下，临场发挥，试图通过含蓄的比喻，表达自己的观点，以弥补会上的失态，不想比喻失当，他说：“在通往和平之路上，要翻越冲突的山峰。”意思被理解成要通过武力实现和平，这样就又变成了“主战派”。数日两变。
事后西蒙到美国出差，温和派克拉克和好战派助理国务卿林顿双方都想利用西蒙。邀请他参加战争委员会的讨论，西蒙承受来自公关部主管的压力，再次表现失当，说了些很难，非常难、超级难的胡话，灰溜溜的回到了英国。
回到英国之后，因为选区的选民的一堵墙问题，收到嘲讽上了报纸。英国首相对西蒙的貌似好战的表态比较满意，又带着西蒙和马克西姆到联合国，参加对中东国家战争进行表决。西蒙不愿意成为发动战争的帮凶，意图在表决前辞职，以表示反战的决心，不想泄露到了媒体。此事为反战派知道，希望拉拢他，壮大反战派的势力，以达到阻止战争的目的。但是西蒙明显的贪恋权位，又不想辞职了。始终在摇摆犹豫中，为双方拉来拉去。
英美两国都没有证据证明必须发动战争，互相指望对方，在表决的前夕，还没有像样的情报。英国首相派来联合国的时候对美国好战助理国务卿林顿表达过，马克西姆可以提供“英国智慧”的情报，马克西姆明显没有理解上去，说“没有什么情报”（nothing）。林顿大怒，指责马克西姆无能。这时西蒙同时出现在马克西姆面前，说要辞职反战。恰巧这时西蒙选区的墙倒塌了，bbc准备报道。马克西姆狗急跳墙，冒充西蒙给bbc打电话，说不要发表“对于自己不利的新闻”。结果bbc如他所愿，立即发表了对西蒙不利的新闻，造成西门失职，首相解出西蒙职务的口实。同时自己领会了首相的意思，命令国内的新闻官，借追究文件泄密的责任的机会，让外交部的官员改造一份美国助理国务卿助手撰写的报告《pwlpp》（该报告本来是反战的，写作方式是先说发动战争的证据，再说不发动战争的证据，后者据多，结果后半部分被删去了，只有发动战争的证据。），提供给美国国务卿林顿，林顿如获至宝，以这个假情报，参加了联合国的辩论，并且通过了对中东国家发动战争的联合国决议。战争在谎言、脏话、以及西蒙的优柔中开始了！
上面是这个电影故事的主线，还有很多辅线，太繁琐，不一一说了，大家可以洗洗体会。全片都是讽刺英美两国官员的官僚作风，官员的相互内斗、陷害、利用，以及高层的无知，妄为。国家为管理者所挟持，为少部分人利用.
2 ) 全世界的政治都是一大陀狗屎
通片充斥着久违的英式粗口和调侃，想想其实也就英国人敢这么把政治以还算正常的形式嘲讽的一无是处，传统和粗俗并存。这帮道貌岸然的公仆们就是一群没有人格的孙子加傻子。
本来还写些点什么，突然想想，这本来就是一堆狗屎，怎么写改变不了狗屎的本质，笑过之后，想想，对狗屎还有感想的话，那才叫更丢脸。
Gina McKee，有点小喜欢这个大女人，因为诺丁山那个坐轮椅的角色，觉得很有韵味。
本来还写些点什么，突然想想，这本来就是一堆狗屎，怎么写改变不了狗屎的本质，笑过之后，想想，对狗屎还有感想的话，那才叫更丢脸。
Gina McKee，有点小喜欢这个大女人，因为诺丁山那个坐轮椅的角色，觉得很有韵味。
3 ) 政治家从来不干正经事
英国国务大臣西蒙是个糊涂蛋，他在被采访时脑子短路说了一句自己也不明白意思的胡话，这句胡话触动了一些高层领导人的神经，他被作为反战意见的代表邀请参加各种意义叵测的会议，并滚雪球一样滚出了更多的胡话……他本人和助手也开始进入所谓的核心圈子，投身剪不断理还断的政治游戏。
他们的最坏打算就是……大不了把顾问朱迪给解雇了呗。
一群白痴政客搞了一个自以为是的阴谋，反战运动自然是失败了，大家全都下台，新一批政客上台了，只有朱迪还在给政府做顾问。
老百姓来投诉堵塞的管道和倒塌的院墙，从来就没有人想去修理。政治家从来不干正经事，就是彻彻底底浪费时间浪费钱的人渣——这就是导演想说的吧。
据说，某些英国人，特别是苏格兰人讲话就是跟电影里面一样儿一样儿的，语速快、粗口多、尖酸刻薄，骂人绝不甘心仅限于f**k、sh*t这类的单词，拐弯抹角的比喻、排山倒海的成语是必须的~~这是这部电影的最大特色，所以有些人喜欢得不行，有些人看不明白。
他们的最坏打算就是……大不了把顾问朱迪给解雇了呗。
一群白痴政客搞了一个自以为是的阴谋，反战运动自然是失败了，大家全都下台，新一批政客上台了，只有朱迪还在给政府做顾问。
老百姓来投诉堵塞的管道和倒塌的院墙，从来就没有人想去修理。政治家从来不干正经事，就是彻彻底底浪费时间浪费钱的人渣——这就是导演想说的吧。
据说，某些英国人，特别是苏格兰人讲话就是跟电影里面一样儿一样儿的，语速快、粗口多、尖酸刻薄，骂人绝不甘心仅限于f**k、sh*t这类的单词，拐弯抹角的比喻、排山倒海的成语是必须的~~这是这部电影的最大特色，所以有些人喜欢得不行，有些人看不明白。
4 ) 另类疯狂英语
我们曾经惊诧于台湾立委街头泼妇干架似的粗俗暴力，这次看了《灵通人士》忽然发觉，你要是不够泼，不够悍，不够人格低下，不够男盗女娼，不够满口喷粪，简直在全世界任何地方都没法搞政治。英国绅士的名头不是吹的，人家骂街都不带重样的，每一句都是“如雷贯耳”，语不惊人死不休！每次看这种非新闻联播标准的英语我都有点郁闷，这外语已经学了N年了，我咋就骂不出人家那个水平捏？
Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Fuckety-bye-bye then!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: "Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Y'know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you. You are a real boring fuck. Sorry, sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing so I'll sort that out. You are a boring F, star, star, CUNT!
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Twelve thousand troops. But that's not enough. That's the amount that are going to die. And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really, or else it looks like you've lost.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: This is the minister of international development here, he should be talking about... food parcels... not... fucking, arse-spraying mayhem!
________________________________________
Paul Michaelson: Am I calm? I'm fucking ZEN!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You sure you're working as hard as I am, 'cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here!
________________________________________
Judy: You know they're all kids in Washington? It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: You think that's his real name? Iceman? To Mr. and Mrs. Man, a son... Ice?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: General Flintstone... Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: No, I didn't leak it. I'm not like some little gay mercenary running around doing other people's dirty work.
Malcolm Tucker: Hey, I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I think you're doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. Bet if I came to your hotel room tonight, I'd find you down on all fours, him hanging out the back of you.
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's nice. That's really tough talk coming from the Armchair General. Put your feet up on a pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodlefucker over in England, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You got a big blue vein running up your head all the way to the temple. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back 'cause you look like a squirter.
Malcolm Tucker: Have you ever even actually killed anybody? Really?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Falling asleep on someone, that doesn't count!
Lt. Gen. George Miller: That's funny. What about you, pussy drip? Ever kill anyone?
Malcolm Tucker: Maiming's what I prefer. Psychologically.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah? Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.
Malcolm Tucker: Go right ahead. I can see the headlines now. "Peace-Loving General Starts Brawl in U.N., Swiss Intervene". I don't know, I'm no expert on spin but that could hurt your career.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: Right. Do excuse me, I've got to get back to work.
[pause]
Malcolm Tucker: Don't ever call me fucking English again.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: [looking at George Washington monument] See that? Pull that out, America deflates.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone. I'll wait in the car.
Simon Foster: So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?
Toby Wright: Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.
Simon Foster: Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: So you're not resigning?
Karen Clarke: Are you still playing the hawk?
Simon Foster: Well, in... in a way I'm playing a much cleverer game than that... I'm a fake hawk.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] A what?
Simon Foster: ...Fake hawk?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] You're an idiot. Or are you a... fake idiot?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Do I look like I've ever set foot in a stationery cupboard? I do all my shagging in five-star hotels!
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: I can't stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country & Western music which I cannot abide.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: All right, that's enough with the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: Wh... What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?
________________________________________
Chad: You're like the woman from The Omen. You've given birth to a demon, and now it's gonna kill you.
Liza Weld: You probably identify with the kid from The Omen, right?
Chad: Ooh!
Liza Weld: See, you're an only child, aren't you?
Chad: I gotta say, I don't understand how my parents' limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me. I'm the sperm that made it!
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Turn that fucking racket off! It's just VOWELS! Subsidised... foreign... vowels!
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: It's early days, my friends. All roads lead to Munich.
[leaves]
Malcolm Tucker: 'All roads lead to Munich... ' What the fuck does that mean?
Simon Foster: Well, I think it means, uh... actually, no, no, I don't know what it means.
________________________________________
Sir Jonathan Tutt: Let me tell you the process here, Malcolm, and why that's not possible...
Malcolm Tucker: Just fucking do it! Otherwise you'll find yourself in some medieval war zone in the Caucasus with your arse in the air, trying to persuade a group of men in balaclavas that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward!
________________________________________
Simon Foster: That's not supposed to be out there...
Malcolm Tucker: Well, it is out there, it's out there now, lurking like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. You know, if I could, I'd punch you into paralysis!
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I'm a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen Clarke: Gore's gay.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: No, he's not!
Karen Clarke: I beg to differ, but...
Lt. Gen. George Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen Clarke: He is gay.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You concentrate on nothing! You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster: Can I go to bed now, please?
Malcolm Tucker: Oh no. We're gonna stay here, and you are gonna rehearse saying nothing.
Simon Foster: ...Am I being tortured?
________________________________________
[first lines]
Malcolm Tucker: Good morning, my little chicks and cocks.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking...
Tourist: Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Linton! Linton!
Linton Barwick: Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.
Malcolm Tucker: Are you fucking me about?
Linton Barwick: Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.
Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: [calling Tucker] OK. Your phone is off, but there's been a catastrofuck here. Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWIP PIP paper to the BBC. I reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time. That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death. Right. Missing you loads. PWIP PIP toodle-oo.
________________________________________
A.J. Brown: So, you made it in OK, right?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can I get a coffee?
A.J. Brown: Sure, sure. If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.
Malcolm Tucker: Your assistant?
A.J. Brown: Yeah. So, item. We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, the bumps in the road ahead and what not.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... Is this it? No offence, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.
A.J. Brown: Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm away.
[AJ's assistant walks in with the coffee]
Malcolm Tucker: And here we are. The fucking Vice President has also graced us with his presence. Give him a bottle of milk.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: It'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
Toby Wright: No, it's going to be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult.
________________________________________
Sir Jonathan Tutt: So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, Sir Jonathan Tutt. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. We, sir, are in here. So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. You know how to do that, don't you Malcolm? What do you do? Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous.
Malcolm Tucker: Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?
Toby Wright: Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Right. Was it you?
Simon Foster: No, it wasn't. No. What?
Malcolm Tucker: You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?
Simon Foster: No. And... And... whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.
Malcolm Tucker: Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?
Toby Wright: No, no.
Malcolm Tucker: Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.
Judy: It wasn't me.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now, I'm finished.
Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.
Toby Wright: Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.
Jamie MacDonald: Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.
Jamie MacDonald: Wal-rus. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.
Toby Wright: We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.
Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect? They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.
Judy: I can't do that, can I? That's political.
Malcolm Tucker: Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. Let them eat cock!
[to Toby]
Malcolm Tucker: Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: You're beautiful.
Karen Clarke: Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yes, I do... And some of the soldiers, too.
Karen Clarke: That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Come on, don't believe that shit. I'm not gonna run for office. I'm just trying to do something different.
Karen Clarke: It's one of the reasons I like you. I know your passion about education and housing and...
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Lingerie.
Karen Clarke: There you go.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Bestiality.
Karen Clarke: I'd forgotten about that. Are you still allergic to the dog?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen and I look like a giant ball sac.
Karen Clarke: Oh, my God. You know, they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. Beautiful ball sac, though.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Thank you very much.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [to Karen, about Linton Barwick ] He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns, and... This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. It's like France.
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.
Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.
Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?
Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
Linton Barwick: Really, what?
Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: PWIP what?
Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?
Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention.
Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. In the land of truth, my friend, the man with one fact is the king. You said there was something else, what is that?
Bob Adriano: In the meeting with the Foreign Office, the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to.
Linton Barwick: Which committee?
Bob Adriano: The...
[quietly]
Bob Adriano: The war committee, sir.
Linton Barwick: All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. Get a hold of those minutes. I have to correct the record.
Bob Adriano: We can do that?
Linton Barwick: Yes, we can. Those minutes are an aide-memoire for us. They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. I think that's the more accurate version, don't you?
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. Where is that intel, huh? What sort of intel have you rustled up?
Malcolm Tucker: Ah, the smoking intel?
Linton Barwick: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, honestly, I haven't got it.
Linton Barwick: You haven't got it? All right. OK. Well, then, can you delay the vote? lt'd give you the time to get it.
Malcolm Tucker: I've just had it brought forward.
Linton Barwick: I am telling you, delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend.
Malcolm Tucker: Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you. You don't fucking tell me what to do.
Linton Barwick: OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. And, secondarily, I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. One of your guys leaks a paper - you can't do anything. Huh? We tell you to get some intel - you can't do anything. I need you to move the vote back - you can't do anything. I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of S star-star T.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: 12:30.
Bob Adriano: Hold on. General? Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know that his last meeting looks like it's overrunning, he sends his apologies.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: When will he be here?
Bob Adriano: I don't have that information at this moment.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: What the fuck? Huh? Did he stand me up?
Bob Adriano: No, no, sir. You're more than welcome to wait.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know that I was here. Is that OK with you?
Bob Adriano: I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.
________________________________________
Chad: Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know. I'm about to run off another ten copies.
Liza Weld: Just stop.
Chad: It's like a Harry Potter book, if Harry Potter made people really, really angry. You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. Do you smell lobster? Because I smell lobster. Strong... bisque wafting this way.
Liza Weld: How far would you go with Linton, you freaky little stalker? Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?
Chad: Smells like bisque.
Liza Weld: Smells like bisque?
Chad: Smells like bisque.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a personal opinion.
Malcolm Tucker: Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number or to shit yourself, would you have done that?
Simon Foster: I would have blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Hey, listen, the war committee. What you have to do is you've got to look for the ten dullest-named committees happening out of the executive branch. Because Linton is not going to call it "The Big Horrible War Committee". He's gonna hide it behind a name like "Diverse Strategy", something so dull you're just gonna want to self-harm.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but...
Suzy: A quickie?
Toby Wright: No. Thank you, but no. It's about Liza. Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.
Michael Rodgers: PWIP what?
Toby Wright: PWIP PIP.
Michael Rodgers: Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?
Toby Wright: Post War Planning Implications...
Suzy: Yeah, all right.
Toby Wright: Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, you know, too quickly, that sort of thing. Just if it was leaked.
Suzy: You are such a coward. Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off.
________________________________________
A.J. Brown: [on the phone] I just got off the phone with Linton, who proceeded to bitch me out for allowing "I Heart Huckabees" on the troops' DVD roster. Yeah. You know that phrase, "I'm too old for this shit"? Well, I'm too young for this shit. You know?
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees" is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is...
Michael Rodgers: Oh, God, I hate that phrase. "Bottom line." I mean, we're not in retailing.
Malcolm Tucker: Sorry. Michael's quite right. I won't use that again. The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. This will be the vote to commence military intervention. And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. Rob, Innis, Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now.
Simon Foster: Michael, do you mind if we use your office?
Michael Rodgers: What?
Simon Foster: For a couple of minutes?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again?
________________________________________
Michael Rodgers: No, no, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians, they're just happy to be there.
[pause]
Michael Rodgers: Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn't we nail the line?
Judy: Simon, I did try to warn you...
Simon Foster: Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you...
Judy: Well I can't tackle you to the ground...
Simon Foster: ...by shouting 'train' at somebody as they get hit by a train. You should go 'train! there's a fucking train!'
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now,
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: My loyalty is to the kids. I am a soldier.
Karen Clarke: You're not a soldier.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a soldier? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform - what, do you think I'm one of the fucking Village People?
Karen Clarke: When did you shoot a guy last?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years. I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew your soldier's license!
________________________________________
Toby Wright: What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back and then we're still sitting here? It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.
Simon Foster: What if the meeting hasn't finished? And she comes back and we've disappeared?
Toby Wright: Maybe I could call Judy? She could...
Simon Foster: Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? I think we've drawn long enough from that... teat.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Has a decision already been made in principle to advocate invasion?
Linton Barwick: I would refer you to the recent comments of our colleague from the UK, mister Simon Foster, in that regard.
Karen Clarke: Yes, I think that mister Foster would have something to say to that.
Simon Foster: I'm certainly hearing both sides. In England we have a saying for a situation such as this, which is that it's difficult difficult lemon difficult.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Right, OK. Is it up, have you got it up?
Jamie MacDonald: Yeah, it's all fine.
Malcolm Tucker: Ok, cut the top paragraph and paste it into page five.
Jamie MacDonald: Right, yeah, we've done it.
Malcolm Tucker: Page six, get rid of the footnotes.
Jamie MacDonald: Done.
Malcolm Tucker: Go to, uh, page nine.
Jamie MacDonald: Go to page nine.
Malcolm Tucker: Highlight from that page right thru the end of the document.
Jamie MacDonald: Go on... do it.
Michael Rodgers: The caveats.
Malcolm Tucker: Right, OK, delete.
Jamie MacDonald: Right, Ok, we're doin' it. Delete it.
Michael Rodgers: You, you can't delete the arguments against the war.
Jamie MacDonald: Oh, there's a little shake of the head here, Malc. I think he's crashed.
Malcolm Tucker: Just give him a thump. That usually works.
Jamie MacDonald: Let me just try a wee bit of manual override. Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war. Hey, you could delete it after all. It's done.
Malcolm Tucker: Great, right, now attach that to an e-mail.
Jamie MacDonald: Yes, got it, got it.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, unforeseeable, that's what you are.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. I had a little thing for her at the time.
Judy: I can imagine, yeah.
Toby Wright: Don't think she remembered me, to be honest.
Judy: That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it. I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous. The voices in his head are now sing barbershop together.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: When you go to America, talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?
Simon Foster: Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.
Malcolm Tucker: Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. That's a true story.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? I mean in here... now.
Limo Driver: Do you want girls?
Simon Foster: No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the War Committee.
Linton Barwick: This is the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clarke: Well, unofficially, it is called the War Committee.
Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: What's going on there, Simon?
Simon Foster: It's... It's departmental business. It's about a wall.
Karen Clarke: Oh, Gaza?
Simon Foster: Uh-huh.
Karen Clarke: I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon. I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit. Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy.
Simon Foster: I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is I'm playing the long game.
Karen Clarke: They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a... What do you call it in England? A wanker.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: I was going to eat lunch in here. Can you digest? Do you want some food?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.
Karen Clarke: Chinese OK?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Why don't you order me some little mammals? A little bunny and a little puppy, and a little cat, so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: So, this is all going to spin along from here. We're going to have a vote and go to war. We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics. This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing.
Malcolm Tucker: That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. In here, you can influence things, you can delay things. Out there, you're just another fucking mouthy, fucking shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. Everybody decided that she was mental.
Simon Foster: Because The Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
Malcolm Tucker: Well I happened to find that a particularly powerful image. Look, the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he? He doesn't drink blood. He doesn't go around biting tramps.
Simon Foster: I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm.
Malcolm Tucker: Unlike me, he abhors physical violence.
Simon Foster: Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence?
Malcolm Tucker: We have got the fucking intelligence.
Simon Foster: I haven't seen it.
Malcolm Tucker: The intelligence we've got is so deep, so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.
Simon Foster: Where's it coming from?
Malcolm Tucker: There is an informant. Ice Man.
Simon Foster: Ice Man?
Malcolm Tucker: I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah. And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... I've seen it. It would make your blood run cold and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings. But certain box lickers are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?
Toby Wright: You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir?
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: See that fax?
Michael Rodgers: Yes.
Jamie MacDonald: That is your career. And I think it might be fucked, but let's just check. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked. Now, I hope you can play the spoons, because you're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] Hi. BBC News Desk, please. Malcolm Tucker. Hi, Ben. Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like. Yeah, please. I just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that. Simon Foster's constituency office wall. That's what you've got, haven't you? Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I? Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters.
[hangs up]
Malcolm Tucker: And he is gone!
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got good news for you. You're NOT fired. That's great news, isn't it?
Michael Rodgers: Well, it sounds ominous.
Jamie MacDonald: We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP out there properly, in the public domain. We just need to refine it a bit.
Michael Rodgers: What do you want to refine?
Jamie MacDonald: Just mess it up. Move the paragraphs. Change the name of the main informant.
Michael Rodgers: Well, that's a complete fabrication.
Jamie MacDonald: Changing his name doesn't matter. Do you think he's really called Ice Man? Huh? "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son... Ice." So, change it to another name. What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle?
Michael Rodgers: This happens to be Debussy.
Suzy: Debussy.
Jamie MacDonald: Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
Michael Rodgers: No, we will not!
Jamie MacDonald: Now, your prints are gonna be all over this, Michael, but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck.
Michael Rodgers: Don't make me do this.
Suzy: It wasn't him.
Michael Rodgers: Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine. It could have been anyone.
Jamie MacDonald: Fax machine? Ah, no! Don't worry about that. No, I made that up. No, the document was leaked by e-mail. It's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick. Come on, Thick White Duke! Come with me.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: I am gonna go into Linton's office and I'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade.
Liza Weld: Don't do that.
Karen Clarke: I'm fucking joking. I'm not gonna do that.
Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Fuckety-bye-bye then!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: "Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Y'know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you. You are a real boring fuck. Sorry, sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing so I'll sort that out. You are a boring F, star, star, CUNT!
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Twelve thousand troops. But that's not enough. That's the amount that are going to die. And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really, or else it looks like you've lost.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: This is the minister of international development here, he should be talking about... food parcels... not... fucking, arse-spraying mayhem!
________________________________________
Paul Michaelson: Am I calm? I'm fucking ZEN!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You sure you're working as hard as I am, 'cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here!
________________________________________
Judy: You know they're all kids in Washington? It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: You think that's his real name? Iceman? To Mr. and Mrs. Man, a son... Ice?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: General Flintstone... Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: No, I didn't leak it. I'm not like some little gay mercenary running around doing other people's dirty work.
Malcolm Tucker: Hey, I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I think you're doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. Bet if I came to your hotel room tonight, I'd find you down on all fours, him hanging out the back of you.
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's nice. That's really tough talk coming from the Armchair General. Put your feet up on a pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodlefucker over in England, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You got a big blue vein running up your head all the way to the temple. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back 'cause you look like a squirter.
Malcolm Tucker: Have you ever even actually killed anybody? Really?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Falling asleep on someone, that doesn't count!
Lt. Gen. George Miller: That's funny. What about you, pussy drip? Ever kill anyone?
Malcolm Tucker: Maiming's what I prefer. Psychologically.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah? Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.
Malcolm Tucker: Go right ahead. I can see the headlines now. "Peace-Loving General Starts Brawl in U.N., Swiss Intervene". I don't know, I'm no expert on spin but that could hurt your career.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: Right. Do excuse me, I've got to get back to work.
[pause]
Malcolm Tucker: Don't ever call me fucking English again.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: [looking at George Washington monument] See that? Pull that out, America deflates.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone. I'll wait in the car.
Simon Foster: So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?
Toby Wright: Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.
Simon Foster: Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: So you're not resigning?
Karen Clarke: Are you still playing the hawk?
Simon Foster: Well, in... in a way I'm playing a much cleverer game than that... I'm a fake hawk.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] A what?
Simon Foster: ...Fake hawk?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] You're an idiot. Or are you a... fake idiot?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Do I look like I've ever set foot in a stationery cupboard? I do all my shagging in five-star hotels!
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: I can't stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country & Western music which I cannot abide.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: All right, that's enough with the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: Wh... What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?
________________________________________
Chad: You're like the woman from The Omen. You've given birth to a demon, and now it's gonna kill you.
Liza Weld: You probably identify with the kid from The Omen, right?
Chad: Ooh!
Liza Weld: See, you're an only child, aren't you?
Chad: I gotta say, I don't understand how my parents' limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me. I'm the sperm that made it!
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Turn that fucking racket off! It's just VOWELS! Subsidised... foreign... vowels!
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: It's early days, my friends. All roads lead to Munich.
[leaves]
Malcolm Tucker: 'All roads lead to Munich... ' What the fuck does that mean?
Simon Foster: Well, I think it means, uh... actually, no, no, I don't know what it means.
________________________________________
Sir Jonathan Tutt: Let me tell you the process here, Malcolm, and why that's not possible...
Malcolm Tucker: Just fucking do it! Otherwise you'll find yourself in some medieval war zone in the Caucasus with your arse in the air, trying to persuade a group of men in balaclavas that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward!
________________________________________
Simon Foster: That's not supposed to be out there...
Malcolm Tucker: Well, it is out there, it's out there now, lurking like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. You know, if I could, I'd punch you into paralysis!
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I'm a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen Clarke: Gore's gay.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: No, he's not!
Karen Clarke: I beg to differ, but...
Lt. Gen. George Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen Clarke: He is gay.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [pause] Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You concentrate on nothing! You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster: Can I go to bed now, please?
Malcolm Tucker: Oh no. We're gonna stay here, and you are gonna rehearse saying nothing.
Simon Foster: ...Am I being tortured?
________________________________________
[first lines]
Malcolm Tucker: Good morning, my little chicks and cocks.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking...
Tourist: Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Linton! Linton!
Linton Barwick: Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.
Malcolm Tucker: Are you fucking me about?
Linton Barwick: Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.
Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: [calling Tucker] OK. Your phone is off, but there's been a catastrofuck here. Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWIP PIP paper to the BBC. I reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time. That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death. Right. Missing you loads. PWIP PIP toodle-oo.
________________________________________
A.J. Brown: So, you made it in OK, right?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can I get a coffee?
A.J. Brown: Sure, sure. If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.
Malcolm Tucker: Your assistant?
A.J. Brown: Yeah. So, item. We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, the bumps in the road ahead and what not.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... Is this it? No offence, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.
A.J. Brown: Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm away.
[AJ's assistant walks in with the coffee]
Malcolm Tucker: And here we are. The fucking Vice President has also graced us with his presence. Give him a bottle of milk.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: It'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
Toby Wright: No, it's going to be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult.
________________________________________
Sir Jonathan Tutt: So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, Sir Jonathan Tutt. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. We, sir, are in here. So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. You know how to do that, don't you Malcolm? What do you do? Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous.
Malcolm Tucker: Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?
Toby Wright: Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension?
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Right. Was it you?
Simon Foster: No, it wasn't. No. What?
Malcolm Tucker: You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?
Simon Foster: No. And... And... whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.
Malcolm Tucker: Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?
Toby Wright: No, no.
Malcolm Tucker: Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.
Judy: It wasn't me.
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now, I'm finished.
Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.
Toby Wright: Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.
Jamie MacDonald: Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.
Jamie MacDonald: Wal-rus. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.
Toby Wright: We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.
Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect? They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.
Judy: I can't do that, can I? That's political.
Malcolm Tucker: Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. Let them eat cock!
[to Toby]
Malcolm Tucker: Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: You're beautiful.
Karen Clarke: Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yes, I do... And some of the soldiers, too.
Karen Clarke: That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Come on, don't believe that shit. I'm not gonna run for office. I'm just trying to do something different.
Karen Clarke: It's one of the reasons I like you. I know your passion about education and housing and...
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Lingerie.
Karen Clarke: There you go.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Bestiality.
Karen Clarke: I'd forgotten about that. Are you still allergic to the dog?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen and I look like a giant ball sac.
Karen Clarke: Oh, my God. You know, they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. Beautiful ball sac, though.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Thank you very much.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: [to Karen, about Linton Barwick ] He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns, and... This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. It's like France.
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.
Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.
Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?
Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
Linton Barwick: Really, what?
Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: PWIP what?
Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?
Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention.
Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. In the land of truth, my friend, the man with one fact is the king. You said there was something else, what is that?
Bob Adriano: In the meeting with the Foreign Office, the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to.
Linton Barwick: Which committee?
Bob Adriano: The...
[quietly]
Bob Adriano: The war committee, sir.
Linton Barwick: All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. Get a hold of those minutes. I have to correct the record.
Bob Adriano: We can do that?
Linton Barwick: Yes, we can. Those minutes are an aide-memoire for us. They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. I think that's the more accurate version, don't you?
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. Where is that intel, huh? What sort of intel have you rustled up?
Malcolm Tucker: Ah, the smoking intel?
Linton Barwick: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, honestly, I haven't got it.
Linton Barwick: You haven't got it? All right. OK. Well, then, can you delay the vote? lt'd give you the time to get it.
Malcolm Tucker: I've just had it brought forward.
Linton Barwick: I am telling you, delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend.
Malcolm Tucker: Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you. You don't fucking tell me what to do.
Linton Barwick: OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. And, secondarily, I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. One of your guys leaks a paper - you can't do anything. Huh? We tell you to get some intel - you can't do anything. I need you to move the vote back - you can't do anything. I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of S star-star T.
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: 12:30.
Bob Adriano: Hold on. General? Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know that his last meeting looks like it's overrunning, he sends his apologies.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: When will he be here?
Bob Adriano: I don't have that information at this moment.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: What the fuck? Huh? Did he stand me up?
Bob Adriano: No, no, sir. You're more than welcome to wait.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know that I was here. Is that OK with you?
Bob Adriano: I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.
________________________________________
Chad: Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know. I'm about to run off another ten copies.
Liza Weld: Just stop.
Chad: It's like a Harry Potter book, if Harry Potter made people really, really angry. You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. Do you smell lobster? Because I smell lobster. Strong... bisque wafting this way.
Liza Weld: How far would you go with Linton, you freaky little stalker? Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?
Chad: Smells like bisque.
Liza Weld: Smells like bisque?
Chad: Smells like bisque.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a personal opinion.
Malcolm Tucker: Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number or to shit yourself, would you have done that?
Simon Foster: I would have blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Hey, listen, the war committee. What you have to do is you've got to look for the ten dullest-named committees happening out of the executive branch. Because Linton is not going to call it "The Big Horrible War Committee". He's gonna hide it behind a name like "Diverse Strategy", something so dull you're just gonna want to self-harm.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but...
Suzy: A quickie?
Toby Wright: No. Thank you, but no. It's about Liza. Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.
Michael Rodgers: PWIP what?
Toby Wright: PWIP PIP.
Michael Rodgers: Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?
Toby Wright: Post War Planning Implications...
Suzy: Yeah, all right.
Toby Wright: Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, you know, too quickly, that sort of thing. Just if it was leaked.
Suzy: You are such a coward. Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off.
________________________________________
A.J. Brown: [on the phone] I just got off the phone with Linton, who proceeded to bitch me out for allowing "I Heart Huckabees" on the troops' DVD roster. Yeah. You know that phrase, "I'm too old for this shit"? Well, I'm too young for this shit. You know?
________________________________________
Linton Barwick: Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees" is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is...
Michael Rodgers: Oh, God, I hate that phrase. "Bottom line." I mean, we're not in retailing.
Malcolm Tucker: Sorry. Michael's quite right. I won't use that again. The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. This will be the vote to commence military intervention. And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. Rob, Innis, Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now.
Simon Foster: Michael, do you mind if we use your office?
Michael Rodgers: What?
Simon Foster: For a couple of minutes?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again?
________________________________________
Michael Rodgers: No, no, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians, they're just happy to be there.
[pause]
Michael Rodgers: Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn't we nail the line?
Judy: Simon, I did try to warn you...
Simon Foster: Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you...
Judy: Well I can't tackle you to the ground...
Simon Foster: ...by shouting 'train' at somebody as they get hit by a train. You should go 'train! there's a fucking train!'
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now,
________________________________________
Lt. Gen. George Miller: My loyalty is to the kids. I am a soldier.
Karen Clarke: You're not a soldier.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a soldier? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform - what, do you think I'm one of the fucking Village People?
Karen Clarke: When did you shoot a guy last?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years. I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew your soldier's license!
________________________________________
Toby Wright: What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back and then we're still sitting here? It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.
Simon Foster: What if the meeting hasn't finished? And she comes back and we've disappeared?
Toby Wright: Maybe I could call Judy? She could...
Simon Foster: Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? I think we've drawn long enough from that... teat.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Has a decision already been made in principle to advocate invasion?
Linton Barwick: I would refer you to the recent comments of our colleague from the UK, mister Simon Foster, in that regard.
Karen Clarke: Yes, I think that mister Foster would have something to say to that.
Simon Foster: I'm certainly hearing both sides. In England we have a saying for a situation such as this, which is that it's difficult difficult lemon difficult.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Right, OK. Is it up, have you got it up?
Jamie MacDonald: Yeah, it's all fine.
Malcolm Tucker: Ok, cut the top paragraph and paste it into page five.
Jamie MacDonald: Right, yeah, we've done it.
Malcolm Tucker: Page six, get rid of the footnotes.
Jamie MacDonald: Done.
Malcolm Tucker: Go to, uh, page nine.
Jamie MacDonald: Go to page nine.
Malcolm Tucker: Highlight from that page right thru the end of the document.
Jamie MacDonald: Go on... do it.
Michael Rodgers: The caveats.
Malcolm Tucker: Right, OK, delete.
Jamie MacDonald: Right, Ok, we're doin' it. Delete it.
Michael Rodgers: You, you can't delete the arguments against the war.
Jamie MacDonald: Oh, there's a little shake of the head here, Malc. I think he's crashed.
Malcolm Tucker: Just give him a thump. That usually works.
Jamie MacDonald: Let me just try a wee bit of manual override. Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war. Hey, you could delete it after all. It's done.
Malcolm Tucker: Great, right, now attach that to an e-mail.
Jamie MacDonald: Yes, got it, got it.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, unforeseeable, that's what you are.
________________________________________
Toby Wright: Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. I had a little thing for her at the time.
Judy: I can imagine, yeah.
Toby Wright: Don't think she remembered me, to be honest.
Judy: That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it. I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous. The voices in his head are now sing barbershop together.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: When you go to America, talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?
Simon Foster: Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.
Malcolm Tucker: Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. That's a true story.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? I mean in here... now.
Limo Driver: Do you want girls?
Simon Foster: No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the War Committee.
Linton Barwick: This is the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clarke: Well, unofficially, it is called the War Committee.
Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: What's going on there, Simon?
Simon Foster: It's... It's departmental business. It's about a wall.
Karen Clarke: Oh, Gaza?
Simon Foster: Uh-huh.
Karen Clarke: I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon. I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit. Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy.
Simon Foster: I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is I'm playing the long game.
Karen Clarke: They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a... What do you call it in England? A wanker.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: I was going to eat lunch in here. Can you digest? Do you want some food?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.
Karen Clarke: Chinese OK?
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Why don't you order me some little mammals? A little bunny and a little puppy, and a little cat, so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: So, this is all going to spin along from here. We're going to have a vote and go to war. We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics. This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing.
Malcolm Tucker: That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. In here, you can influence things, you can delay things. Out there, you're just another fucking mouthy, fucking shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. Everybody decided that she was mental.
Simon Foster: Because The Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
Malcolm Tucker: Well I happened to find that a particularly powerful image. Look, the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he? He doesn't drink blood. He doesn't go around biting tramps.
Simon Foster: I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm.
Malcolm Tucker: Unlike me, he abhors physical violence.
Simon Foster: Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence?
Malcolm Tucker: We have got the fucking intelligence.
Simon Foster: I haven't seen it.
Malcolm Tucker: The intelligence we've got is so deep, so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.
Simon Foster: Where's it coming from?
Malcolm Tucker: There is an informant. Ice Man.
Simon Foster: Ice Man?
Malcolm Tucker: I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah. And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... I've seen it. It would make your blood run cold and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings. But certain box lickers are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now.
________________________________________
Simon Foster: In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?
Toby Wright: You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir?
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: See that fax?
Michael Rodgers: Yes.
Jamie MacDonald: That is your career. And I think it might be fucked, but let's just check. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked. Now, I hope you can play the spoons, because you're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer.
________________________________________
Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] Hi. BBC News Desk, please. Malcolm Tucker. Hi, Ben. Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like. Yeah, please. I just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that. Simon Foster's constituency office wall. That's what you've got, haven't you? Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I? Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters.
[hangs up]
Malcolm Tucker: And he is gone!
________________________________________
Jamie MacDonald: Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got good news for you. You're NOT fired. That's great news, isn't it?
Michael Rodgers: Well, it sounds ominous.
Jamie MacDonald: We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP out there properly, in the public domain. We just need to refine it a bit.
Michael Rodgers: What do you want to refine?
Jamie MacDonald: Just mess it up. Move the paragraphs. Change the name of the main informant.
Michael Rodgers: Well, that's a complete fabrication.
Jamie MacDonald: Changing his name doesn't matter. Do you think he's really called Ice Man? Huh? "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son... Ice." So, change it to another name. What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle?
Michael Rodgers: This happens to be Debussy.
Suzy: Debussy.
Jamie MacDonald: Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
Michael Rodgers: No, we will not!
Jamie MacDonald: Now, your prints are gonna be all over this, Michael, but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck.
Michael Rodgers: Don't make me do this.
Suzy: It wasn't him.
Michael Rodgers: Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine. It could have been anyone.
Jamie MacDonald: Fax machine? Ah, no! Don't worry about that. No, I made that up. No, the document was leaked by e-mail. It's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick. Come on, Thick White Duke! Come with me.
________________________________________
Karen Clarke: I am gonna go into Linton's office and I'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade.
Liza Weld: Don't do that.
Karen Clarke: I'm fucking joking. I'm not gonna do that.
5 ) 看得笑到抽的电影
无数英国式的黑色幽默
比澳大利亚人还好笑的苏格兰口音
不用说别的，这部片子基本教会了你几乎所有英国粗话
背熟了绝对受用终身
其实说回来这部电影把一个很深刻的主题埋藏在了滑稽的画面之下
每个人都会在利益之前低头
满口粗话的Tucker终究还是要听命于Linton
开始踌躇满志的Simon始终犹豫在辞职边缘，到最后也不敢下决心自己丢掉饭碗(不过说回来，他和Toby应该是电影中所能找到最傻逼的白痴）
而为人正直，清高的Micheal也迫于压力修改了那篇文章，从而帮助美国成果发动了战争
那个反战的将军也最终向利益妥协，决定寄人篱下的延续自己的政治生涯
还有那个墙头无脑草Chad，整天背着个壁球拍，整天换个地方拍马屁
......
在利益面前，所有人的意志都会变得无比薄弱
当然，话说回来，它毕竟还是一部喜剧
没有夸张的表情，没有滑稽的动作，只有近乎于放荡的台词
无论出自Tucker或者是Jamie，都将整部片的喜剧气氛提高到了顶点
毫无疑问，只有英国人才能拍出这样的片子
比澳大利亚人还好笑的苏格兰口音
不用说别的，这部片子基本教会了你几乎所有英国粗话
背熟了绝对受用终身
其实说回来这部电影把一个很深刻的主题埋藏在了滑稽的画面之下
每个人都会在利益之前低头
满口粗话的Tucker终究还是要听命于Linton
开始踌躇满志的Simon始终犹豫在辞职边缘，到最后也不敢下决心自己丢掉饭碗(不过说回来，他和Toby应该是电影中所能找到最傻逼的白痴）
而为人正直，清高的Micheal也迫于压力修改了那篇文章，从而帮助美国成果发动了战争
那个反战的将军也最终向利益妥协，决定寄人篱下的延续自己的政治生涯
还有那个墙头无脑草Chad，整天背着个壁球拍，整天换个地方拍马屁
......
在利益面前，所有人的意志都会变得无比薄弱
当然，话说回来，它毕竟还是一部喜剧
没有夸张的表情，没有滑稽的动作，只有近乎于放荡的台词
无论出自Tucker或者是Jamie，都将整部片的喜剧气氛提高到了顶点
毫无疑问，只有英国人才能拍出这样的片子
6 ) 炒糊了的政治
电影情节介绍不介绍其实无所谓，主要就是讽刺英国和美国的政治有多丑陋。电影里脏话连篇，可以说是登峰造极之作，不光是骂，而且骂一个多钟头都不重样。
电影应该属于Yes, Minister类型的政治讽刺。但是，Yes Minister里面的人物跟这个比起来简直就成了小绵羊，就是阳春白雪啊。这个电影得到这么多的好评，是不是现在的导演不会像以前那样很微妙地反映政治斗争残酷性了？转念一想，In the Loop就是基于真人真事啊，或许导演的水平没有什么差别，而是我们生活的时代就是如此了。
这个电影结构有些散乱，看着忍不住地走神，走神了其实也丢掉不了什么，反正是肮脏到底了。看完了忍不住等一会儿眼，你我生活的世界就是被这么一群人统治着，还装什么政治纯情啊，统统地抓紧补习，提高自己的脏话水平，早早地下地狱算了。
关于这个电影的一点现实背景，有助于理解其中的人物关系。
电影里脏话不离口的官员大概就是影射当年布莱尔的副手、臭名昭著的Alastair Campbell。听说这人在现实中就这样，连布莱尔见他都有点害怕。最后因为Dr. Kelly的自杀案爆出来政治丑闻而下台。加上这个演员在另外一个政治讽刺剧中就是扮演Campbell，完全一样的演绎，估计不会是别的什么人。
在Campbell的辅佐下，布莱尔政府把spin doctor制度发挥得淋漓尽致。这些人的工作内容不是传统意义上公务员的公共服务，而是专业从事媒体操纵。需要注意的是，很多人的评论中把他们称为政客，其实他们不是。电影里面没有交待清楚，Alastair Campbell本人原来就是个记者，他实际上是布莱尔的形象助理，很善于对付媒体。他们这些人就是为了帮助政客进行媒体攻关，也就是在媒体前后给政客擦屁股。一来二去，当政客发现他们真的能帮助自己获得公众支持，就变得对他们有了依赖性。这些人也渐渐地自我膨胀，对政客和公务员气指颐使，反而左右了政治方向。这个电影里面真正的官员是那个部长，但是他却显得很窝囊，连样子都比spin doctor们长得矮小和萎缩。而有了spin doctor作为左膀右臂，他也能占据重要位置，但是他连发言都得有spin doctor在旁边管着，说什么、什么时候说其实全不由己。
虽然政客为了选举历来要粉饰自己，但是这些spin doctors真是让英国政治彻底脱掉了遮羞布。政客不再因为信仰而决定自己的政策，而是根据媒体报道来决定。同时，以前至少是表面上严肃的事情，现在都变成了游戏，而且spin doctors们玩得如此投入，竟然没有意识到他们自己已经招致周围的人讨厌。最出名的是911时候，英国交通部Jo Moore给同事发信要求借这个机会把部里的坏消息公布出来，因为大家的注意力都在911，所以有助于淡化公众怨气。可惜，她的邮件被部里的员工披露给媒体，犯了众怒，导致她和部长双双下台。更有意思的是，后来她接受采访的时候，不是对自己缺乏人道的思想有所忏悔，而是抱怨部里面有人看不惯她。这就是spin doctors可悲的一面，他们已经看不到自己为什么招人讨厌了。但是，更可悲的是，她抱怨的政治斗争确实存在。她太习惯于自己圈子里的政治哲学了，忘了他们这些空中悬浮的气球，要面对前方悬挂的道德锋芒。把这个锋芒误以为普通的障碍物，不假思索地蹭过去，就有可能造成崩溃的结局。
当布莱尔下台之后，布朗做的第一件事就是把spin doctors从政府中赶出去，似乎真的大快人心了一会儿。可是，最终因为布朗不会经营自己的形象，从原本有利的位置被推下了政治舞台。看来在媒体当道的时代，用自己心目中的道德制高点和完美主义思想衡量着政客的大众还是习惯于媒体直接拿勺喂。这就决定了政客没有spin doctors也不行。
保守党上台几年过去了，spin doctors的动静好像不是很大。估计是有了前车之鉴，他们不再那么招摇过市，学会了貌似成熟微妙的沟通方式。
电影应该属于Yes, Minister类型的政治讽刺。但是，Yes Minister里面的人物跟这个比起来简直就成了小绵羊，就是阳春白雪啊。这个电影得到这么多的好评，是不是现在的导演不会像以前那样很微妙地反映政治斗争残酷性了？转念一想，In the Loop就是基于真人真事啊，或许导演的水平没有什么差别，而是我们生活的时代就是如此了。
这个电影结构有些散乱，看着忍不住地走神，走神了其实也丢掉不了什么，反正是肮脏到底了。看完了忍不住等一会儿眼，你我生活的世界就是被这么一群人统治着，还装什么政治纯情啊，统统地抓紧补习，提高自己的脏话水平，早早地下地狱算了。
关于这个电影的一点现实背景，有助于理解其中的人物关系。
电影里脏话不离口的官员大概就是影射当年布莱尔的副手、臭名昭著的Alastair Campbell。听说这人在现实中就这样，连布莱尔见他都有点害怕。最后因为Dr. Kelly的自杀案爆出来政治丑闻而下台。加上这个演员在另外一个政治讽刺剧中就是扮演Campbell，完全一样的演绎，估计不会是别的什么人。
在Campbell的辅佐下，布莱尔政府把spin doctor制度发挥得淋漓尽致。这些人的工作内容不是传统意义上公务员的公共服务，而是专业从事媒体操纵。需要注意的是，很多人的评论中把他们称为政客，其实他们不是。电影里面没有交待清楚，Alastair Campbell本人原来就是个记者，他实际上是布莱尔的形象助理，很善于对付媒体。他们这些人就是为了帮助政客进行媒体攻关，也就是在媒体前后给政客擦屁股。一来二去，当政客发现他们真的能帮助自己获得公众支持，就变得对他们有了依赖性。这些人也渐渐地自我膨胀，对政客和公务员气指颐使，反而左右了政治方向。这个电影里面真正的官员是那个部长，但是他却显得很窝囊，连样子都比spin doctor们长得矮小和萎缩。而有了spin doctor作为左膀右臂，他也能占据重要位置，但是他连发言都得有spin doctor在旁边管着，说什么、什么时候说其实全不由己。
虽然政客为了选举历来要粉饰自己，但是这些spin doctors真是让英国政治彻底脱掉了遮羞布。政客不再因为信仰而决定自己的政策，而是根据媒体报道来决定。同时，以前至少是表面上严肃的事情，现在都变成了游戏，而且spin doctors们玩得如此投入，竟然没有意识到他们自己已经招致周围的人讨厌。最出名的是911时候，英国交通部Jo Moore给同事发信要求借这个机会把部里的坏消息公布出来，因为大家的注意力都在911，所以有助于淡化公众怨气。可惜，她的邮件被部里的员工披露给媒体，犯了众怒，导致她和部长双双下台。更有意思的是，后来她接受采访的时候，不是对自己缺乏人道的思想有所忏悔，而是抱怨部里面有人看不惯她。这就是spin doctors可悲的一面，他们已经看不到自己为什么招人讨厌了。但是，更可悲的是，她抱怨的政治斗争确实存在。她太习惯于自己圈子里的政治哲学了，忘了他们这些空中悬浮的气球，要面对前方悬挂的道德锋芒。把这个锋芒误以为普通的障碍物，不假思索地蹭过去，就有可能造成崩溃的结局。
当布莱尔下台之后，布朗做的第一件事就是把spin doctors从政府中赶出去，似乎真的大快人心了一会儿。可是，最终因为布朗不会经营自己的形象，从原本有利的位置被推下了政治舞台。看来在媒体当道的时代，用自己心目中的道德制高点和完美主义思想衡量着政客的大众还是习惯于媒体直接拿勺喂。这就决定了政客没有spin doctors也不行。
保守党上台几年过去了，spin doctors的动静好像不是很大。估计是有了前车之鉴，他们不再那么招摇过市，学会了貌似成熟微妙的沟通方式。
7 ) 《In The Loop[灵通人士]》政治喜剧
http://axinlove.com/2010/02/in-the-loop/
《In The Loop[灵通人士]》政治喜剧
by @xinl.ve 100209
其实本片是神作，能把政治讽刺喜剧做到如此份上，那也只有老祖宗们能干了。但是缺少相应的文化背景，缺少对英语口语、俚语和脏语的理解，使得《In The Loop[灵通人士]》的影响力只在很小的圈子里横行，达不到遍施甘霖于普罗大众的程度。不明真相如我者，慢慢发现原来是剧情映照现实后，就悠哉悠哉地看着他们怎么把烂摊子越铺越大。
Meat和Meet，Wall和War，前者被电影中的角色自己点明，后者是观众已经猜到，而角色们被蒙在鼓里，做一个滑稽人世的看客真好。不要去想是这帮勾心斗角龌龊肮脏的政客决定了世界格局——如攻打伊拉克——只要看看他们是在怎样的状况下做了重要的决定就明白，他人生死于我如草芥。被人诟病的伊拉克战争和大规模杀伤性武器都是怎样的鬼话，他们那一刻不过是听错了某个单词，自己创造了某种理解，例如女人Karen Clarke认为Linton Barwick搞了秘密协会一样。
于是一刹那世界的历史被改写，稀里糊涂的Simon Foster和观众一样，原本是一个看客，不过他却成了那个关键的格鲁西元帅，牵一发而动全身。常说历史是由伟人们创造，但改变方向的确是Simon之流，也未免太好笑了一点。堂堂的英国务大臣，怎是这样一个糊涂蛋！他是一个好人，一贯也是反对战争，却不注意自己的言论，被人推倒台前成了牵线的木偶。善良有时候不值得同情，因为可能是无能的代名词。
什么高端对话、高层决策，《In the Loop》捅破了那层窗户纸。政治也就是白天教授，晚上禽兽，合着你搞我，我Fxxx你，只要我俩穿着一条裤子。实在不行，关键的时候，可以像骑墙的草一样，摇身一变就有了新的立场。说出口的话？那可以是格林斯潘的言论，任你猜想，又或者是台湾政坛的名嘴，死不承认。
他国政治再烂，欢迎对号入座的《In the Loop》能够上演，也是烂的有理。
In.The.Loop.LIMITED.DVDRip.XviD-DMT
《In The Loop[灵通人士]》政治喜剧
by @xinl.ve 100209
其实本片是神作，能把政治讽刺喜剧做到如此份上，那也只有老祖宗们能干了。但是缺少相应的文化背景，缺少对英语口语、俚语和脏语的理解，使得《In The Loop[灵通人士]》的影响力只在很小的圈子里横行，达不到遍施甘霖于普罗大众的程度。不明真相如我者，慢慢发现原来是剧情映照现实后，就悠哉悠哉地看着他们怎么把烂摊子越铺越大。
Meat和Meet，Wall和War，前者被电影中的角色自己点明，后者是观众已经猜到，而角色们被蒙在鼓里，做一个滑稽人世的看客真好。不要去想是这帮勾心斗角龌龊肮脏的政客决定了世界格局——如攻打伊拉克——只要看看他们是在怎样的状况下做了重要的决定就明白，他人生死于我如草芥。被人诟病的伊拉克战争和大规模杀伤性武器都是怎样的鬼话，他们那一刻不过是听错了某个单词，自己创造了某种理解，例如女人Karen Clarke认为Linton Barwick搞了秘密协会一样。
于是一刹那世界的历史被改写，稀里糊涂的Simon Foster和观众一样，原本是一个看客，不过他却成了那个关键的格鲁西元帅，牵一发而动全身。常说历史是由伟人们创造，但改变方向的确是Simon之流，也未免太好笑了一点。堂堂的英国务大臣，怎是这样一个糊涂蛋！他是一个好人，一贯也是反对战争，却不注意自己的言论，被人推倒台前成了牵线的木偶。善良有时候不值得同情，因为可能是无能的代名词。
什么高端对话、高层决策，《In the Loop》捅破了那层窗户纸。政治也就是白天教授，晚上禽兽，合着你搞我，我Fxxx你，只要我俩穿着一条裤子。实在不行，关键的时候，可以像骑墙的草一样，摇身一变就有了新的立场。说出口的话？那可以是格林斯潘的言论，任你猜想，又或者是台湾政坛的名嘴，死不承认。
他国政治再烂，欢迎对号入座的《In the Loop》能够上演，也是烂的有理。
In.The.Loop.LIMITED.DVDRip.XviD-DMT
8 ) 联合国大会2238号决议的诞生
受不了通篇的絮絮叨叨。作为一部政治讽刺片，整部片子几乎都是在唇枪舌剑中度过。而且除了“f star star cunt”这类明显的粗话能听懂外，其他的比喻全是一头雾水。原先以为英语里骂人的话就那几个词儿，现在才知道人家有文化的人一样能骂人不带脏字儿，而且脑到口到，几乎脱口而出，对骂个5分钟不带喘气儿的。想学英语的同学可以把本片的对白好好研究一下，我反正是听的脑袋都大了。
政治，英国，美国，战争，用屁股想都知道指的哪场战争了。近来，英国国内成立了伊拉克战争独立调查委员会，调查当年发动战争的原因。电影里最后一幕也不忘YY一把：在投票表决前的半小时内，政治家们还没找到所谓的“证据”，结果政治家们“灵机一动”，楞是把一篇反战的文章给改成了敌国威胁论的文章，联大2238号决议就这么滑稽的通过了。同志们啊，这就是TMD政治啊，就是TMD一堆shit啊。只可怜了那些战死的士兵了，没有为保家卫国而死，却为了政客的利益而死，简直是耻辱。
相比电影，现实同样讽刺。7月31日，英国军队全面撤出伊拉克，却没回本土，而驻扎在伊朗。本来英国希望此前伊拉克能通过延长驻军时间的法案，谁知道他们帮助建立的伊拉克“民主”政府却否决了这一提案，下次表决要等到9月议会重开。于是，他们只能尴尬的暂时留在伊朗，等待法案的通过。他们自以为是救世主，伊拉克人却把他们当成侵略者要他们滚开，这记耳光够响的。
政治，英国，美国，战争，用屁股想都知道指的哪场战争了。近来，英国国内成立了伊拉克战争独立调查委员会，调查当年发动战争的原因。电影里最后一幕也不忘YY一把：在投票表决前的半小时内，政治家们还没找到所谓的“证据”，结果政治家们“灵机一动”，楞是把一篇反战的文章给改成了敌国威胁论的文章，联大2238号决议就这么滑稽的通过了。同志们啊，这就是TMD政治啊，就是TMD一堆shit啊。只可怜了那些战死的士兵了，没有为保家卫国而死，却为了政客的利益而死，简直是耻辱。
相比电影，现实同样讽刺。7月31日，英国军队全面撤出伊拉克，却没回本土，而驻扎在伊朗。本来英国希望此前伊拉克能通过延长驻军时间的法案，谁知道他们帮助建立的伊拉克“民主”政府却否决了这一提案，下次表决要等到9月议会重开。于是，他们只能尴尬的暂时留在伊朗，等待法案的通过。他们自以为是救世主，伊拉克人却把他们当成侵略者要他们滚开，这记耳光够响的。
看的有点胆战心惊
英美要都是这样的傻蛋，中国崛起指日可待啊
你知道你是什么吗？勃起的小二。你的脑门都已经暴青筋了。那正是我要开枪的地方。不过我还是走的远点。因为你看上去就要射了。
看不大懂
<奇爱博士>般的黑色政治幽默,英国人的粗口太XXX有意思了,,马尔科姆嘴巴毒到不行,政客就是一群小丑,, meat in the room,哈哈哈,,,
原来国家领导人的嘴也那么脏
英国式的幽默，使我想起了UK版的连续剧《Office》。
美国人说我爱说脏话,英国人就笑了.
里面Zach Woods扮演的Chad和IT Crowd里Noel Fielding扮演的哥特长相和声音都好像呐
Excuse me？谁要看女王吃瘪？！人家要看的是女王一路飙骂、一直胜利好嘛？居然来到米国大纽约，居然被米国粑粑骗了骂了气哭了！马尔科姆大头特写，大大的眼睛水汪汪，眉毛压低轻微两皱，眼波流转，眼球上的白色光亮弧线那么美那么美！我嫁！！
看得好开心~虽然是2010奥斯卡改编剧本里最没希望得奖的，但是绝对是最欢乐的。
典型的英式鸡毛文学，内涵讽刺一团乱麻。原名In the Loop非常契合，中文翻译直接掉了一个台阶。也是个节奏奇差的话唠片，磨叽的让人脑仁疼。
各种fuck淫贱大集合，让丑闻丑闻再来得更猛烈些吧
看得真累，满是对白，一会也不能休息，但还是没看懂。
我喜欢这样充满了歇斯底里的满口粗话的伪君子们的政治讽刺片
确实和四只狮子有得拼 英国总出好看的政治讽刺剧 媒体和永远依附的英美关系不错 挺好看的 镜头太多得多看两遍 要是看不懂的话 先看看是首相 那算是个讽刺剧的入门剧
最喜欢此类政治电影！
形式非常的出色，英国人这种惯用的技量就是所谓的正经地搞笑。这种在天朝非常少见——根本见不到，天朝从不拿政治搞笑。回头可以跟洋葱电影掺一块儿吃。
看吵相木！
政治讽刺喜剧，英式黑色幽默。